The BMW Alpina B7 turned the 7 Series into a special car

Luxury. It’s hard to define, but without a doubt Mercedes has the formula. They’ve had it for over 50 years, while BMW has taken up the driver’s mantle. You’d always rather have a 3 Series over a C Class. And you’d always want an S Class over a 7 Series. But this BMW Alpina B7 is different.

It’s the most authentic BMW ever made. Except they didn’t make it.

The 2013 BMW Alpina B7 Overview

Think of a BMW E30 M3, and “luxury” isn’t what comes to mind. That plastic interior. The buzzy four-cylinder. Bleh.

Somewhere along the way, things changed for BMW’s most prestigious division. M cars were always expensive, but buyers weren’t going to shell out the cash when they could get a Mercedes that was almost as nice to drive but much nicer inside. So M added things. Merino leather. Gigantic sunroofs. Big screens. Whatever it took to stay competitive with the Mercs. The thing is, a motor that revs to eight billion RPMs and a suspension made from leftover cable bridges isn’t really luxury.

Enter Alpina, a small tuning company that BMW actually bought last year. When I said small, I meant it: they make wine and typewriters. Their garage has just a few bays to produce cars. No doubt, BMW will change all that and probably ruin the specialness in the process. But that’s the future, and this 2013 BMW Alpina B7 is the past.

Remember the F07? They came in many different variations and have depreciated like rocks falling from the sky. To become an Alpina, BMW sends a 750i to the Buchloe factory, where they touch everything from the steering wheel stitching to the wheels. The process is extensive, exclusive, and hand-built, and the result is nothing like an M car.

That’s a good thing.

Performance Score: 7. Meet me in the middle

This car might be 12 years old, but it can more than hold its own with a modern machine.

Engine

BMW’s N63 V-8 went through so many permutations to try and fix what was at the time new technology. This 4.3-liter twin-turbo unit pushes out 540 horsepower and 538 lb-ft of torque and sends it all to the rear (xDrive was an option). This isn’t the S63, which eventually produced up to 617 horsepower, but by no means is the B7 a slouch. How about a quarter-mile time of 12.6 seconds, putting it on pace with an E92 M3.

Power is up high – 5,200 RPM, and revving it is a joyous experience. But know that you need to get those turbos up to speed, because the Alpina feels a bit sluggish off the line. It’s best to just leave this car in its Comfort Plus mode and let it waft you around with ease.

Out back are four big exhaust pipes that produce a distantly pleasing sound – like listening to an outdoor rock concert from a half-mile away. This was before fake engine sounds dominated cockpits, making the lustful V-8’s refined growl something to savor.

Transmission

BMW’s familiar ZF eight-speed automatic is here, and as usual, it’s very very good. Perhaps the only hint to its age is the way it responds to a call for downshifts, but it’s still a snappy-enough unit.

Alpina doesn’t use typical paddle shifters – instead, you click a silver button on the steering wheel, so it’s not as intuitive. Sure does look cool though.

Chassis and Steering

I’ve said this before after a spin in the Alpina B8, but these cars offer the best balance and poise of the entire BMW lineup. I much prefer this over the ride of an S Class, with its composure in turns and an almost eagerness to play. It doesn’t ask you to push it, but it’s happy to accept the mission.

This long-wheel base, rear-wheel example clocks in the scales at 5,037 pounds, so taking it to the autocross track is not in the cards. Maybe the short-wheel base, at 4,500 pounds (smirks in Alpina). And the ride? Flawless. Left in Comfort Plus, a setting mere pedestrian BMWs do not get, the B7 glides over any crack or canyon in the road. Placing it in any other mode is silly – what are you trying to accomplish?

And the steering – a weakness of any F-chassis BMW, this B7 not only has some, it’s nearly flawless in feel. I will never understand why it must be a separate tuner that finally awakens the spirit of the Ultimate Driving Machine. Makes the car such a joy to drive.

Brakes

Perhaps you’ll look behind those gigantic 21-inch wheels and feel disappointment. Unpainted calipers? How uncouth. But BMW was always a slow adapter for this bit. Without a cover, you can clearly see that the hardware isn’t exotic. No cross-drilling, and just two pots in front. Regardless, they work very well at hauling this super sedan to a complete stop.

Lifestyle Score: 10. 7 up

The F07 was the last 7 Series to offer both a short- and long-wheelbase option. Everything after that sold in the States was long-wheel only.

Regardless, the car you see here is in fact the big boy, and simply put, wow. About the only negative thing you might mention here is the fact that there’s not split-fold available for the rear seats, just a ski pass through. The trunk is still 7 Series large.

Sit in the back seat and take a look at peak 2013. We have two laughably small screens for entertainment, our own climate control, seat controls, even a small mirror for outboard passengers because the kids have to look their best for those board meetings. Stretch out with easily the most leg room in a sedan I’ve witnessed, save for the newer 7 or S Class (they have footrests). You want to drive this thing, but if you’re a passenger, you’re well-cared for.

Up front the seats are very nice. I do wish more lateral support was available, but they are stuffed so well that the couch vibes make up for it. If Alpina has a flaw, it’s that they use the seats from regular Series BMWs. M thrones are usually much more comfy.

Fuel Economy: 7. Gimme my one

This 2013 Alpina B7 gets a combined 19 miles per gallon, and that’s not bad at all considering the original person buying this car cared not for such things.

But surely progress has been made, yes? BMW currently makes just one 7 Series with a V-8, the 760i xDrive. It has a 4.4-liter unit, the S68 (technically an M engine), and it produces 536 horsepower with 553 lb-ft of torque. That’s pretty much what we have here with this B7. That car also weighs in at about 5,000 pounds, again same-same.

So, data digested, here’s what the 760i gets: 20 MPG. BMW will point to their all-electric versions as progress, both of which are faster and more efficient, but you and I both know that an electric 7 Series isn’t really an answer, because no one buying the car has asked the question.

Gimme that sweet, sweet V-8 music and my one mile penalty.

Features and Comfort: 8. Back to the future

If you are someone that needs the latest technology in your car, then you won’t like the B7. It’s reached that weird part of life, like original Nintendo in the 90’s – not cool any more, but not yet nostalgic. Give it another decade.

Ceramics class

If it’s been awhile since you’ve sat inside an F-generation BMW, you might giggle at things like the ancient iDrive controller (it’s not even the big one), or the small screen that houses a navigation device that sea pirates used to have.

The reality is far less harsh. That soft, aromatic Merino leather is everywhere. Those tiny iDrive controls are all made from a stunning gloss black ceramic that’s always cool to the touch. The roof is covered entirely by Alcantara, with a large sunroof and “exclusiver” badge. The carpet is wool. The stereo, from Bang & Olufsen. Even the stitching on the steering wheel is green, a call back to their main color. Lots to love.

But I’ve always felt a bit cheated by this 7. Sit inside an F10, even a 528i, and the family ties are clear – it’s nearly identical inside. Alpina did a great job of classing it up, but for $130,000 in 2013 money, I expect more.

Blue Tuxedo

Alpina’s vehicles have a slew of color choices, but the two most popular (and correct, if I’m honest) are Alpina Blue and Alpina Green. This particular example is even more unique – BMW had just started to offer Frozen paint options in 2013, and so this is Frozen Alpina Blue.

It is the color. Bravo.

Other signatures are those stunning 21-inch silver Alpina wheels, an Alpina-specific body kit, spoiler, and those quad exhaust outlets. The look is refined, never cartoonish, and helps to bring the F07’s somewhat dumpy looks up to another level. At least BMW improved the 7 from its prior generation. Yeesh.

Others sedans to consider

• BMW M760i
• Mercedes-Maybach S680
• Volvo S60 T8 Recharge
• BMW F10 M5
• Alpina B8 Gran Coupe

The 2013 BMW Alpina B7 is special, and it always will be

Maximum attack. Ultimate power. The cars Megatron wants to transform into the most – that’s a BMW M car.

But somewhere along the way, we lost the elegance of simplicity. Sometimes a BMW didn’t need the most power, the stiffest chassis, to simply be good. A 325i had such a clean, crisp drive that you’d look over at an M5 and think “Do I really need all that?” Maybe BMW saw that as a problem, so now you get base cars with four cylinders and hardly any fun.

Admittedly, this B7 isn’t a base car – it was BMW’s flagship and their most expensive model. And they never did make an M version of the 7 Series, perhaps realizing that their sporty focus differs from an AMG S Class. But I’ve had a B8 and an M8 – it’s not even close.

And the prices! Grab a clean one like this example for less than $40k. That’s pretty much $100,000 off the price of the car. Does it matter if the tech is dated to the point of silliness? This isn’t Passengers With Souls – drive the damn thing.

I leave you with a story: I was at a BMW Service Center a few years ago, waiting for my car to be fixed, and one of these pulled in the bay. Gentleman and his wife gets out, heads to the service desk, and he’s looking so distraught. They sit down with an advisor, and the facial expression goes from bad to worse. It’s clear the fix will be expensive. They eventually mosey on over next to me after receiving the news. His wife leans over, a stern look on her brow, and says to him with utmost seriousness…

“I TOLD you we shouldn’t get that car…”

I looked away – not willing to witness any more of this poor man’s afternoon. But not before he looked right at me and gave me an impish smile.

My dude knew – an Alpina will always be special.

Thanks to Jordan at AMMO NYC for sharing this beautiful B7!